I recently purchased a new computer because my 2007 mac book had had enough. After arguing with me for the past two years, it just up and quit. So, in the midst of a tumultuous data transfer, the apple folks advised that I go through my docs and get rid of what I could. In that process, I came across my old journal entries I'd keep from time to time. After reading about 15 of these things and getting through the whiplash from shaking my head at my 19, 20, 21, and 22 year old self, I decided to write myself a letter and thought I would share it with you all.
I can picture you now sitting at that table at Starbucks in Bloomington trying to bring definition to what you're feeling, why you're feeling...and what it all means.
So I've spent some time with your thoughts recently. I wish I could just reach out and hug you for a while. You've really put yourself through the ringer, haven't you? All of this concern with needing to be doing, saying, thinking, feeling the right thing - being the right person for all those around you. It's maddening! You intentionally don't write about a guy until the 4th paragraph of a journal entry because you want to prove to yourself that you've got this under control. Or you place God's calling on the decisions you make because you are afraid to make the wrong move, wrong choice - to not be seen or accepted as smart or accurate.
Oh, dear girl...I wish you could hear God's heart for you. All those verses you speak over people - I wish you'd take a moment to speak them over yourself. To speak blessing and grace into each crevice of your brokenness as God grows and refines you. You are His, Amy. By that very definition, it is Him who can heal some of the ugliest and deepest pain in you. He is the one who is right for you. Right for all. You do not need to be that person. In fact - you can't be. And get this. That's exactly how it's supposed to be. Your drive for excellence -that thing that really does make a difference - isn't about you. You were crafted to live in response to His grace. Your drive for excellence needs to be a response of worship and deep gratitude - that's the reason. And that's why it hurts so much when someone doesn't see you, when you are forgotten, or when you don't achieve the standards you set. Just like you're not meant to save someone else - and someone else isn't meant to save you - you're not meant to save you. You can't save you. Only He can. And He wants to. Not because of all the right things you've done...but because He is.
Reading this has actually given me the chance to step back and say the same thing to myself now. Am I hearing God's heart for me? Am I receiving His love? I think it's time I take a look at how I'm living and see if I'm letting Him love me.
Anyway. You'll be OK. It'll be hard. It won't be what you expected, but it'll be beautiful, good and full.
Just enjoy your coffee and the fall leaves. Those are His love notes for your soul.