Its one of those sleepless nights tonight. I guess they have to come every once in a while, don't they? Night can be dangerous for the thought process at times. The tempter is typically never far from me at this time-constantly reminding me of the girl I was, the mistakes I made, and attempting to fool me by the sensationalism that once protruded into my decision-making. The key word there is once. A time existed where definition, for me, was found in my circumstances. One day I could be the "free-thinker", poetic and captivated by profound austere thinking. Another, I could be the seducer, equipped with false power to woo any individual I pleased. The list goes on and on, but the point is this: instability fed the insecurity rooted in not seeking definition where it is found. These deep, festering lies of who I was oozed over into my actions. It was awful. I watched as I became the girl who sat by the phone waiting for a phone call which would hopefully give me some sense of worth. I manipulated situations so that I would appear "holy". Are you disgusted yet? We sit in this sickening state of depravity, begging for a savior, pleading for worth, gasping for breath, air, life, completion. Even if its quiet, it is a silent scream, much like that of an unborn child as it is forcefully removed from the safety of the womb. We can't hear the voice of the little one, but if you look at the ultrasound screen, you know by the way the body wrenches in pain...that child is terrified.
This is not a cliche moment where I say "Jesus fixes it all", as true as that statement may be. No, I sit here and declare that He is. The silent scream has been heard, was heard and is heard. And He comes. A beautiful song that Shane and Shane recently have put out creates story of how the deceiver whispers these grotesque half-truths into our souls. That we will never gain salvation, we are not enough, there is no hope. We hear those and agree...I recognize that I will never be able to gain the salvation I need. Its impossible. But Jesus. Hear this. BUT JESUS has come! And because of that, and only that, I am free. I no longer sit under the imprisonment of my own sin. Oh, the world sings otherwise, but the song of salvation, the song the delight of God (Zeph. 3:17), the song of my Husband (Isaiah 54:4-8) rings deeper, truer and is more powerful than a thousand or even the innumerable melodies of this world. Truth casts out not truth. Light dispels the darkness. And I am free. I sit here now at 2AM and I am free. It does not always feel as such, but it is truth. And I give thanks that the sun's rising is not dependent on my mood place. It will rise, He has risen.
It is so contrary, so different from the message of this world to define ourselves by the Lord. We seek definition, as I once did, in relationships, family, career, appearance. You all know this, but look at the drive, passion, pursuit of definition in those things. Tom Brady, the record-breaking quarterback for the New England Patriots, while being interviewed, hit it home. When asked about the amount of winning, he said (and I paraphrase) that each time you win, you think it must be it...this must be the epitome, but you leave that situation always wanting more..its never enough. Do you hear that? There MUST be MORE! And it is not found in jubilant celebrations, loud music, dazzling beauty. That drive is satisfied in the hands of the Creator, through Jesus Christ. The more is Him. Crazy isn't it? Christ-not a regal king, a loud man, or a shiny object-but a simple message of grace. That is the satisfaction. I watch as women ages 15-60 seeking and pursue and run to find this sense of worth and meaning. Behavior such as passive aggressive, or just aggressive anger, manipulation, sexual interactions, loud or quiet seduction, dependency, are the manifestations of this quest. The hunger for this peace is mind blowing. The bowels of mankind groan for Him.
This is a process...one of forgiveness, action, prayer, worship in Spirit and truth, relearning and unlearning. It is hard in these moments, yes?
But truth says...
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm, therefore and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."~Galatians 5:1
"Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard."~Isaiah 58:8
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go."~Joshua 1:9
"Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."~Matthew 11:28-29
"I, I am the Lord and besides me there is no savior."~Isaiah 43:11