I should be in bed right now. Dad asked me to hit the hay about an hour ago, but I can't sleep, so I write. I found my old journal today...the one I wrote when I was 12. I barely know this girl any more. She still spells interesting as "intresting", signifying pronunciation rather than spelling ability. Friendships were on a day-to-day basis and "boyfriend" was a term pinned to the crush of the month. Her handwriting was insanely bad (some would argue this hasn't changed), but my scribbles now have a maturity that could not be confused with those of a 12-year-old girl.
So many other things have changed. My parents are no longer dictators of my life, but friends and guides. I love their company and enjoy hearing their insight on my life as well as their own lives. Connecticut is no longer "home" to me, but rather a resting place, a vacation, a visit. But its calm. My heart no longer rejoices in a man's affirmation. Yes, I love receiving encouragment, however, my heart rejoices only when I understand or see the work of God in my life and in those around me. My dream no longer consists of a white-picket fence and a big house. Now, my only desire, just as it says in the song, is to know and follow hard after my King, Lover, and Savior. And I mean this. This is SUCH a testimony to His work in me. I continue to decrease as He increases in me. I have become a woman of grace defined only by His claim on my heart. I am beginning to understand what it means to say that I am His child!
I found a hymn, not long ago, which illustrates my walk with Him recently. Allow me to share.
Still, still with Thee, when purple morning breaketh
When the bird waketh and the shadows flee
Fairer than morning, lovelier than the day light
Dawns the sweet consciousness, I am with Thee
Alone with Thee, amid the mystic shadows
The solemn hush of nature newly born;
Alone with Thee in breathless adoration
In the calm dew and freshness of the morn.
When sinks the soul, subdued by toil to slumber,
Its closing eyes look up to Thee in prayer;
Sweet the repose beneath Thy wings o'ershading
But sweeter still to wake and find Thee there
So shall it be at last in that bright morning
When the soul waketh and life's shadows flee
Oh, in that hour, fairer than daylight dawning
Shall rise the glorious thought-I am with Thee.
His beautiful creation, both in me and in those around me, has awakened me to His glory. Without living a life according to His plan, I would miss the small ways He conveys His love to me. So, I pray I receive Him always, never turning from the Truth. This short hymn, echoes my prayer...
Lord, speak to me that I may speak in living echoes of Thy tone.
As Thou hast sought, so let me seek Thy erring children lost and lone.
O teach me, Lord, that I may teach the precious things Thou dost impart.
And wing my words, that they may reach the hidden depths of many a heart.
O fill me with Thy fullness, Lord until my very heart overflow,
In kindling thought and glowing word Thy love to tell, Thy praise to show.
O use me, Lord, use even me, just as Thou wilt and when and where.
Until Thy blessed face I see, Thy rest, Thy joy, Thy glory share.
He is Lord. Rejoice! Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is the living God! He is victorious! He reigns! And He loves His children! God, make us humble...may we truly know that we can do NOTHING apart from You. We are nothing without You...but a vapor which disappears moments after it arrives. But Lord, in light of that, may we leave a dazzling aroma of Your grace and love to those who see us. May everything we do point to You and Your work within our lives. Not us, but to Your name be all glory, honor and praise for all of time, forever more.