Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Be Thou My Vision

2 Corinthians 1:3-5, 10-11-"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. He has delivered us from a deadly peril and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

That was His love letter to me on Monday morning as I sat in Starbucks begging for encouragement. Today, thanks to a dear friend, I spent about two hours alone with the Lord and finally began to understand what has been going on lately. I have been battling hard. It has been a furious fight filled with trudging through swamps, running in the rain, and climbing steep hills. Who have I been fighting? Myself. You see, as we so often here, there are these two sides to us...the Spirit and the Flesh. God really showed me tonight the extent to which this is personified in me.

I hunger and grovel for the attention of men. Even when I know beyond any shadow of any doubt that the attention will not only not satisfy, but harm me, I still pursue it. It is a sickness...and the feeding of a sinful desire. Why sinful? Because my endless plight for the attention of guys is an endless fleeing from trusting that not only is God holy and awesome...but He is enough! I don't believe that in the depths of my heart. Don't get me wrong...I want to believe that, but I don't. I am not satisified in Christ.

But I do feel there is victory in identifying the battle. This past week was filled...and I mean FILLED with ambiguous incomplete thoughts of what I was going through...of the path I am taking. Not finding any closure or solidity in anything. I agonized over agony. But I am vehemently fighting my flesh. I want to stand in front of thousands of women proclaiming the truth of the Gospel. I passionately desire to see lives changed for Christ. So naturally, Satan provides the temptation EXACTLY where I want to make change...in the insecurity of a girl's heart.

I am done settling. Honestly. I don't want to settle any longer for the "ok" or the "yeah I'll do it because its there" mentality. Not just in relationships, but in everything. I trust that God has this radically radiant plan for me...and I want to submit to it. I want to be a tool of change in this life. Queiro hacer cosas grandes!

My friend Adam said something the other day which really struck me. To paraphrase, he said we act as if we deserve a relationship. We go about our lives with the mentality of "Jesus, come through for me." And when we get to an end of an era or a period before transition and the girl/guy is not there...we ask why, get angry, and so on. When our prayer really should be...Jesus come through IN me.

I know my thoughts are slightly disconnected at this juncture, but I wanted to write about this...I am fighting right now between who I am without Christ and the woman I so deeply desire to be all of the time. I want to rise up and take a stand and be a tool. My end purpose is to glorify God. I want that...I want satisfaction in Him. I really want to know what it feels like to be passionate about the Lord...so much so that I would lose my life. I know this is real, I know it in my head, but I so desire to feel it within the depths of my heart. Like you feel when standing under a waterfall...that constant overflowing...I want it. I want to be different. I want to be faithful. I want to be His.

Jesus come through

In spite of it all


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